virus: Hankisms

Date: Wed Jul 31 2002 - 11:51:24 MDT

> Archaic Religions - Kissing Hank's ass once affected our town in
> various (mostly detrimental) ways.
> Ancient Judaism - If you are nice to one of Hank's close personal
> friends, they will kiss Hank's ass for you, and you'll get some money
> right away. If you get the shit kicked out of you instead, it's your
> own damn fault. Keep trying.
> Egyptian - Hank is still in town, but will get a million dollars from
> Bob, Joan, and Martha when he leaves. You can get some too, if
> you're able to hitch a ride in his limo.
> Greco-Roman - Hank and his (dysfunctional) family are suffering from
> some trust issues, and aren't giving out any money. It doesn't
> matter whose ass you kiss; the others will kick the shit out of you.
> Asatru (Norse) - Hank started a motorcycle gang and left town, but He
> shows up every now and then. If you want to join His gang and get the
> shit kicked out of you by another gang, all you have to do is kick
> the shit out of people who deserve it (or, alternatively, write
> really kickass rock and roll lyrics) until somebody makes you leave
> town. If you join Hank's gang, there's this huge nightclub outside of
> town, where we're having a blowout party. Anything goes there, even
> bunless wieners and all sorts of condiments.
> Atheism - Hank doesn't have an ass to kiss.
> Weak Atheism - Who is this Hank person, anyhow? I've never seen him.
> I think you guys are just making him up!
> Strong Atheism - There is no such person as Hank, and there is
> nothing outside of town. Take me off this list.
> Apatheism - I don't care about Hank or any of his money, and neither
> should you. Here, have some bubble wrap.
> Ethical Humanism - Let's kiss each other's asses, and then we can all
> share the million dollar ass-kissing reward. Whether you go for
> Hank's million dollars too is your own business.
> Scientific Pantheism - This is really an amazing Town, isn't it? Have
> you checked out the woods and the lake? There's really too much worth
> seeing and doing here in Town to worry about some guy's money or
> whether or not he's going to kick the shit out of you. I mean, get a
> life!
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----------
> Christianity - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars
> when you leave town. If you don't, He might kick the shit out of you.
> Christian Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a
> million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, He's going to kick
> the shit out of you. Read Karl's list, it's important. Only eat
> wieners on buns, without condiments.
> Catholicism - Hank will give you a million dollars when you leave
> town, if He feels like it. We think that if you kiss His ass you're
> more likely to get the million, but it's completely up to Him. Oh,
> and He might kick the shit out of you before He gives you the million
> dollars. If you want to help other people kiss Hank's ass, you are
> not allowed to eat wieners, not even in a bun. Karl has Hank's phone
> number, so nobody is allowed to question Karl's decisions, no matter
> how strange they may seem. By the way, we have old, elaborate
> buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass.
> Protestantism - It's OK, you don't have to kiss Hank's ass -- but
> you'll want to, if you trust Him. If you don't trust Him, He's going
> to kick the shit out of you when you leave town. If you do trust Him,
> He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
> Mormonism - If you kiss Hank's ass, after you leave town He'll give
> you a million dollars. Plus, if any of your relatives have already
> left town, He'll give them a million dollars, too! By the way, we
> have new, elaborate buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass, if
> you give us money.
> Christian Science - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million
> dollars when you leave town plus free health insurance right now! If
> you don't kiss His ass, you'll have to pay all the doctor bills.
> Quaker - Hey, there's no need to pay any attention to Karl or his
> list. If you wait for it long enough, you'll eventually get a phone
> call from Hank. He'll let you know how to get a million dollars, what
> the moon is really made of, etc. You can kiss his ass over the phone,
> if you like.
> New Age Christian - You are Hank. You have a million dollars, but
> You've forgotten it because of the trauma of Your Catholic
> upbringing. My new workshop series will help You remember where You
> hid it.
> Jehovah's Witnesses - Everybody in town should kiss Hank's ass, but
> only 144 are going to get a million dollars after Hank burns the town
> down, which we think will be Real Soon Now. Then he'll kick the shit
> out of anyone who didn't kiss his ass, and send the rest to a nicer,
> newer town. Here, have a pamphlet; it describes what we think we
> mean. We'll be back tomorrow to tell you why everyone else is kissing
> Hank's ass wrong.
> Exodus Ministries - We love you, and we want to help you heal
> yourself of this terrible sickness of eating wieners The Wrong Way.
> Let us teach you to enjoy wieners only in buns, without condiments.
> Then, and only then, will you be allowed to kiss Hank's ass and
> collect your million dollars when you leave town.
> Pentecostals - Kiss Hank's ass as often as you possibly can. He'll
> give you a million dollars when you leave town, and might even teach
> you a new language or two before you leave town, as long as you don't
> mind garggle frunning doowaddeck beeble.
> Presbyterians - You only have to kiss Hank's ass every now and then
> and it's OK to forget all about Hank when you're home. You may have
> bun-less wieners, or wieners with condiments, but please - don't over
> do it.
> Brethren - Hey, kissing Hank's ass is a full time career. If you
> really wanted a million dollars you'd quit your job and join our
> organization. In addition to showing you how to kiss Hank's ass
> better than anybody in town, we'll teach essential urban survival
> skills, such as bicycle repair, dumpster diving, evasion tactics, and
> memorizing Hank's list.
> Episcopal - Hank gives everyone money when they leave town. How much
> money you get depends on how often you visit our big, elaborate
> buildings and sit, stand, or kneel while kissing his ass.
> Anglicanism - A while back, our mayor wanted to throw away his half-
> eaten wiener and eat a different wiener, but still on a plain bun, no
> condiments. Karl said no, so the mayor recruited his own helpers and
> set up his own elaborate buildings in which one may kiss Hank's ass,
> and allowed himself and others to eat other wieners (but still only
> one at a time.) We know, this doesn't have much to do with Hank, but
> hey, if it's good enough for the mayor, it's good enough for us.
> Metropolitan Community Church - Karl says to ignore that "no weiners
> sans buns" item on the list; it's not important anymore. Have all the
> naked weiners you want -- with sauerkraut even. While you're at it,
> kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave
> town.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----------
> Eastern- Hank's kind of out of the picture, but there are still lots
> of asses to kiss.
> Confucianism - Kiss the mayor's ass, and/or do your best to make the
> town a better place. We have our own protocol list to show you how.
> You won't get a million dollars, but the townspeople might appreciate
> your efforts. Karl sometimes gets ticked off that we're not using his
> list instead of his, but our items don't really conflict with his.
> Honest.
> Taoism - All asses and all dollars are all part of something
> important. We'd tell you more but you should figure it out yourself.
> Hinduism - You can Kiss Hank's ass, Sue's ass, and/or Bob's nose. If
> you leave town and nobody gives you a million dollars, you will
> probably end up coming back to town to kiss someone else's ass.
> Buddhism - Hank left a million dollars in your house. You can find
> the million dollars, but only if you forget that it is in your house.
> I Ching - Persevere to kiss ass -- riches will follow. No blame.
> Shinto - Hank is in the woods by the park. You should take a hike and
> kiss His ass. If you become famous you might want to change your name
> to "Hank" after you leave town, and then You can come back to the
> woods and the townies will kiss Your ass.
> Zen Buddhism - What is the sound of one lip kissing ass? If you
> answer this question correctly on our surrealistic game show, you can
> win a million dollars, but even before you get the prize you won't
> want it. Would you like some tea?
> Jainism - There is no wealthy philanthropist named Hank. You have
> amnesia. You've been traveling from one town to another, getting in
> trouble or playing the hero, racking up rewards or consequences for
> your actions, then forgetting all about them and moving on to the
> next town. If you want to break this awful cycle you have to take off
> all your clothes and stop eating wieners (with or without buns). When
> you finally leave town voluntarily without clothes or wieners, then
> your amnesia will go away and you'll realize you've been a
> billionaire all along. And hey, a billion dollars is better than a
> million.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----------
> Islam - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you
> leave town. If you don't, He's going to kick the shit out of you.
> Islamic Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million
> dollars when you leave town. If you don't, we're going to kick the
> shit out of you, and we might even make you leave town early.
> Nation of Islam - We have stars on ours, so we can kiss Hank's ass
> properly. Those without stars on thars are bad people; they will
> never get a million dollars.
> Shi'A Islam - A long time ago, Karl died. Then his father-in-law
> tried to make his own list, but we know Karl's wife hid the real list
> and gave it to her son. Listen to Karl's wife's son, or we'll kick
> the shit out of you.
> Sunni Islam - Baloney. You know Karl's father-in-law's list is the
> real one, and if you don't admit that, we'll kick the shit out of
> you.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----------
> Neo Pagan - Get Hank to kiss your ass.
> Scientology - You will be just like Hank once you learn how to kiss
> your own ass (for a small fee, we can show you how to do this), and
> then you can give yourself a million dollars. If you make fun of us
> while we're kissing our asses, we might kick the shit out of you or
> sue you for having fun at our expense.
> Discordianism - Look! Hank just kissed my ass! Oh, never mind, that's
> a pimple... Hey look! Flowers! Oh, my mistake -- it's just a million
> dollars. Hey look! That cloud looks like a bunny!
> Wicca - Many years ago some people were forced to leave town early,
> and took all their teachings with them -- secrets about Hank, His
> Girlfriend Barbara, methods to kiss their asses and vice versa. Since
> then, those of us who kiss ass the old fashioned way have had to make
> some stuff up, but we think we're on the right track. You can join
> our various ass-kissing groups, some quite different from others.
> We're pretty lenient on the wieners, buns, and condiments issue. We
> mostly disagree about what the Moon is made of, or whether there's a
> million dollars outside of town.
> Satanism - What the heck, kiss knaH's ass.
> Heaven's Gate - Kiss Karl's ass, and -- oh, wait, Karl just saw
> Hank's limo drive by. We're leaving town NOW to catch it.
> from the Island of the FAMOUS SEX ACTRESSES and...oh, just send us $3
> already.
> Amway - Do whatever you like with or without Hank, the important
> thing to remember is to kiss lots of ass. You kiss my ass and recruit
> people to kiss your ass in return, and so on. When you have enough
> people kissing your ass you'll get lots of money, and before you
> leave town even! Honest. Remember, you must teach your ass kissers
> not only to kiss your ass, but mine, my up-line, his-up-line all the
> way to Rich and Jay! Any condiments you use must be purchased from
> me.
> Kibology - Hank is still here in town! His ass is most likely a
> government plot, written by Himself. He became a billionaire and has
> spent the rest of his life watching the movie Paddle to the Sea too
> many times. He allows us to eat wieners any way we want, but please
> don't eat any wiener dogs named Spot (just in case). You can have a
> million dollars when you leave town, but it's hidden inside the
> aliens desguised as orange traffic cones, and only the ones along
> busy freeways. While in town you'll get your ass kicked by knaH. For
> no reason. You just will.
> Twelve-Step Group Therapy - If you are addicted to, say, wieners,
> there's help! Just follow these steps to full recovery: Admit you are
> powerless over wieners, and insane too. Convince yourself that this
> billionaire philanthropist named Hank can cure you. Give most of
> everything you own to Hank. Take a good look at yourself, and
> continue to admit to Hank, yourself, and somebody else that you are
> one sick wiener lover. Find Hank, or send him an email asking for
> help. Meanwhile, list all the people you pissed off, and make amends
> to them all -- unless they don't want you around. When you screw up
> and take a little bite of a wiener, don't keep it a secret. Try your
> darnedest to find Hank's personal telephone number. Do your best to
> spread these techniques to other wiener abusers.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----------
> Other - Do other things with Hank's ass. You'll be glad you did.
> Judaism - OK, so don't kiss Hank's ass, see if I care. He wouldn't
> give you a million dollars even if you did. And if He's going to kick
> the shit out of anyone, it'll be here, in town.
> Unitarianism - Hank 101: We help you explore all of the different
> people named Hank that may or may not be out there, and how to maybe
> get your million dollars, if it exists. Various methods of kissing
> Hank's ass are discussed, with extra credit for completed
> experiments.
> Rastafarianism - Hank was just here last week and I was kissing His
> ass, but for some reason He left town without giving me a million
> dollars. Oh well -- guess I'll smoke some weed.
> Gnosticism - Hank was a powerful con man who made a lot of trouble
> while he was here, left town a while back and doesn't have a cent to
> his name. There's a rumor of Somebody Else with loads of money
> Somewhere, whose ass is certainly worth kissing, but you can only
> kiss it after you leave town.
> Baha'i - It's true! When you leave town Hank will give you a million
> dollars. Everything that you hear about Hank has some truth to it;
> eventually we'll all come to some agreement and everybody in town
> will be much happier. Oh, one more little thing: Hank definitely
> doesn't want you to eat wieners unless they're on buns, without
> condiments.
> Zoroastrianism - Don't bother kissing Hank's ass. Since our parents
> met Hank before anybody else he's not interested in people (other
> than us) kissing his ass. He's planning on coming back and cleaning
> up the town someday, after he gives away money and kicks some shit
> out of people who leave town.
> Unificationism - Hank went a little crazy after a gardening
> experiment went bad, so one of his split personalities started the
> whole Kiss Hank's Ass thing. Then a couple years later, another
> personality manifested Itself, claiming He was Hank's son Chris. He
> got the shit kicked out of Him and was thrown out of town and said
> because He got thrown out you should kiss His ass now. Then he gave
> Karl a phone call and told him that as long as we start to treat each
> other real nice, He'll come back really soon and give everyone in
> town a million dollars. You should give Karl a lot of cash in the
> meantime because since we aren't ready for Hank to come back to town
> right now he needs help in getting the message out and stamps aren't
> free.
> Deism - Hank helped build this town, but the list was entirely Karl's
> creation. Hank may have left clues around town about what he wants;
> Karl's list is most likely bogus. Don't take anybody's word for what
> Hank wants unless Hank tells it to you personally. Oh, and don't
> worry about the million bucks until after you've left town.

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